6 Dream to Reality 10/26/09

Last night wasn’t one of my better nights, I was awaken by a feel someone was watching me and it felt so real. A sound of water moving violently, like someone or thing big was moving through it very fast and it or they stop at the door of the SUV. My skin started to crow and I could hear everything around me moving outside the SUV, the wind, the bag in a trash can 6 or 7 feet away, it was so scary and I’m not the type of person to give in the fear, at least this type of fear but this time was somewhat different. At first I couldn’t move, frozen and getting angry at the same time as I reached down grabbing my katana. Whatever it was or whomever they were, my safely zone was broken and that a unwelcoming feeling, it was a feeling of being physically threaten. I actually felt something big and I mean “very big” was standing on the other side of the door, it even cast a shadow on the door window. This instantly caused me to go into a mental combat mode that was physically prepared me to act out my thoughts to protect myself. I felt a presents to close, to big and not sure if it was friendly or threatening; it just stood there. As I prepared myself for the unknown (combat), inhaling deeply until my breathing became very shallow, a traditional technique called Ti. There were so many thoughts funning around in my head, it gave me a headache - it was if I was in another world and fear, a different type of fear was pushing me to become aggressive. If this is someone wanting to rob me this would have been the wrong day and place for them or it would be the wrong day and place for me. They could have a gun or it could be more than one person, if so, what would I do? or what if it was something very big behind the shadow cast over my door window that wasn‘t a person. I would find out once I stepped outside the vehicle - none of this I know the answer to because I no clear view outside which meant, they didn’t have a clear view inside. It was dark and the night time would be my friend to combat against what I was going to encounter. Then the shadow move slowly down indicating they were leaving or moving away from the SUV then what sounded like lots of water moving again and it or they were gone. Was this what some people call having an anxiety attack? or was my mind playing tricks on me? or did something or someone walked up to my vehicle?


I lied there looking up, mind still racing, still mentally prepared for combat. What if I had opened the door and stepped out, would there have been someone there and if so - would this have been a friendly encounter of a violent one. Once the fear and anger of it subsided, reality set in and the actions I planed to take when I grabbed my Katana. Would have killed to protect myself or would I have fought out of anger alone - I didn’t know and didn’t want to find out but what I do know “there was going to be a conversation because my self zone was violated. I didn’t sleep much after that, just lied there look up thinking about a time passed at home with my wife and our dogs “life can’t get any simpler than that“ then reaching over to picked up my cell-phone. I needed something to motivate me out of the depressed state I found myself in but it was to late to call my wife and even then, I wasn’t because I didn’t want her to worry about me; she dose to much of that now and besides, she was in school and needed to be focus on her work and not me.
I was alone again - no food, no money and very little gas - on the abist of calling it quits yet again. Before I known it, it was time to get ready for work so I did, the whole time thinking (why was this happening to me). The day went by like always, me holding back my emotions until it was time to leave hoping my phone wound ring with some good news was going to change my state of mind and it did, my wife called. Our conversation made me think about the reasons I had to stay focused, to stay off the live of falling apart. The project, the programs and the people it will help, I had more thing to do with my life that had nothing to do with me. There was a e-mail form a friend that came to mind that a old friend sent me, it had TD Jakes face on it and a few verses that helped lift my head and sprits - shake my head and the pain in my heart.

Then I opened my phone to read a tex from my wife (U want to know why I stay so strong because I am ground with Christ in my life, always place him first, he will carry u through anything, talk to him). Wow, it was straight to the point and it was like a kick in my behind. At the end of my day, setting in my SUV pulling out my bible to read;

Acts 2:23
“Him, being delivered by the determinate counsel and foreknowledge of God, ye have taken, and by wicked hands have crucified and slain”

Matthew 26:24
“The Son of man goeth as it is written of him: but woe unto that man by whom the Son of man is betrayed! It had been good for that man if he had not been born”

Luke 22:22
“And truly the son of man goeth, as it was determined: but woe unto that man by whom he is betrayed”

Then dropped my head to pray.