After the long drive, a good nights sleep, a slow work day ending; it was time to go back to work on another proposal and finishing touches on a few chapters in my book. Also pulling out some other things I had started and someday hope to have completed as well, like breeding APB so I could in some way help protect them - I think I put in four hours or so, if I total it all up then it was time to get some sleep. As I prepared my sleeping area, the thought of videoing me can and went because sometime I would make a few videos but this was not one of those time, I was to tired. The next morning waking up on my back, looking up at a gray sky with a little light shining in on my lap top, it was one of the hardest sleeps I’ve had in a long time. My body was telling me “Hay - man, your not eighteen anymore” in it own way. I felt pains everywhere but a good stretch always got me back on track. Then reality started to sink in, in the most depressing way, it was not the gray sky I was looking at or the beautiful sun that was shining on my lap top; it was the roof of my SUV and the light that was on my lap top was from a light pole right outside. The most depressing thing of it all was, it wasn’t in the morning, it was around twelve o-clock at night. As I set there shaking my head, trying to fool myself of the pains my body was giving me and the situation I was in, tears started pouring down my face. The thoughts of not being able to talk to my children in Ohio was the pain in my heart, the thoughts of not making enough money to give my family a living, the thoughts of twenty years in the Military and being back stabbed by people I felt I could trust and the kicker was soldier “my brother in arms” who committed suicide after he promised to be there when the project was completed. I’ve had moment of depression before but not like this one and not this hard on my heart.
Putting my head in my hands, I couldn’t help but think “how can I help anyone if I can’t get though this shit in my head - how can I be of any help to anyone - God I miss my kids so bad and why the hell did you leave me, WHY - YOU F%&#ing PROMISED ”. Rolling over to get ready for work seem to be so hard to do, it was like “why should I”, and it wasn’t even time to go to work. In the wake of my depression I started thinking about the project and the victims of 9/11, my Military family that died in the two wars. There was a moment of calmness in my crying and the tears rolling down my face because there was not doubt in my mind I had to get through this, I had to find a way to stay motivated, not for me but for them and others. After all, I was doing something no one had ever thought of doing or, for the most part, never been done in the history of the United States. I was given a blessing in a dream and a task connected with countless mission of helping, all in the name of love, honor and respect. I had a lot to get up for in the morning even if I was living in my SUV after twenty years of Military serves. So what was I to do when depression hit me like a brick and knocks me to my knees “get the hell up” because it knocked me down not out, it knock me down not on my back and even so, if I’m on my back - I can look up so that means I can get up.
I may have cried for more than a hour, falling deeper and deeper into a depressed mood, falling deeper and deeper into why I shouldn’t even try to help anyone until hitting rock bottom. In the back next to me, I keep books to read and movie to watch as my motivation tools. Looking at the bag with all this in it made me think about the reasons I should get up and why I should continue working. Today was going to be one of those hard day to get through and if I wanted to do everything I set out to do then I had to ask myself one question “How bad do you want it”. Okay, you have no money right now “so what” and your hurting from the past “so what” and your retirement year didn’t come close to what you thought it would be “so what”. I have more than most people have and this is what I need to build on and from “so do it”.
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